Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard. That’s probably the understatement of the year. Parenting is so hard that there is an entire industry built around it to try and support parents. This can be confusing though, as there are philosophies that directly contradict one another. And this isn’t just a cloth vs. disposable diaper sort of decision. It’s so much bigger than that. This is a decision about how you will bring up a kid in the world. It’s a decision about how your child will interact with the world for next couple decades. It’s high stakes.

I grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical home. We weren't the extreme family. We didn’t have family devotions or homeschool or boycott Halloween. But we were faithful and we listened to the teachings around us. In our church, the predominant message I received was that we were to do the “right” thing and our parents knew what was best; further, we were full of sin and shame so we had no right to complain. Jesus would save us and we would be fine in the end. Never mind today, soon you will be in paradise (where you will be dead). At least that’s how my child mind processed it. 

Now that I am the parent I have become incredibly uncomfortable with this model. The problem is it's disrespectful (to me or the kids). It doesn’t allow for personal growth or problem solving, and it doesn’t show dignity to my children. While we were with extended family this summer (on both sides) I repeatedly found myself in conversations and occasions where the kids were not given autonomy in simple tasks, nor given the respect of allowing them to feel their feelings and voice their frustrations. It was hard for me to know what to do in the midst of it, because my approach is different. 

In the culture I grew up in, we tend to treat kids like Pavlov’s dog. Do something enough times and they will get in line. But this approach isn’t very humane. Do we want our kids to just become conditioned to do something? Or do we want them to choose the right thing, even if they have never encountered this particular decision before? When we simply condition our kids we rob them of the opportunity for personal growth. We take away their autonomy. Why do so many of us choose the Pavlovian way? I think it’s because we are afraid. There are real consequences for making bad decisions. Failure is hard to endure. We pretend that good people don’t fail. But failure is what success looks like before it’s deemed success. When we take that opportunity from our kids, it simply delays that failure for a time when we are not there to guide them through it. And that denial is so much worse than actually walking through failure while you are young with a trusted adult or two to help you.

Kids are constantly learning, and they need instruction. Adults are too. And when it comes to instructing adults we are kind and careful and sensitive to their frustrations (at least we try to be). But when it comes to kids, shouting, hitting and generally shutting down their emotions is quite common – even encouraged. It’s confusing to me that we would treat people in this manner, especially when we are trying to teach them how to engage with the world, how to be good people. Kids are humans too. It seems ridiculous to have to say it, but it needs to be said. And kids need to be treated as humans.

So I find myself in a strange place right now, where it may look like I'm allowing my kids to run roughshod over me, but where I know what is actually happening: I am asking them to respectfully voice their frustrations while I try to validate what is real for them. AND in the midst of that, I am ever so slowly guiding them through the decision making process that will allow them to make better and more purposeful decisions. It’s exhausting work. It's slow and takes repeated effort. But it’s the job of the parent to do it.

My version of parenting often looks too permissive for my extended family. I want to scream at the top of my voice that I am doing the work, sitting with my kids, helping them to be beautiful, respectful humans, that they aren’t finished becoming just yet! But then that would be me focusing on me. And really, that’s not at all the point of this thing called parenting, is it? The point is to set aside what others see, and to focus on the very real work of helping these people become who they truly are so they can navigate a world that is hard and frustrating. That’s my job.

And I know that’s what’s really happening.

The Culture Wars or Why I Can't Be a Christian Anymore

I don't love the phrase "the culture wars." It might be that I am a pacifist and wish to avoid conflict altogether. It may have something to do with the evangelical environment in which I was raised. But mostly, I think, it has to do with the idea of there being a right and a wrong side. As if there were actually only 2 sides to an issue. As if the same outcome would be the right outcome for all people. It seems to me that only in the arenas of religion and politics do we ever make that assumption. And it doesn't bode well for any sort of resolution.

This week I've been reading a book, Torn, which spends a good amount of time discussing how the church has promoted the idea of The Gays vs. The Christians. And it has me thinking a lot about how my experience in the church has mirrored this author's experience. I was spared the awful experience of revealing my sexual orientation to all of humanity while steeped in the world of mainstream Christianity. Because really, is there any kid who wants to reveal his/her sexuality, whatever it may be? I would have fallen over dead with embarrassment if I had needed to do so, whatever the reason.

Instead I had the misfortune of being a liberal Christian. To the outside world, this sounds like a non-starter. Who would care if a person is a liberal Christian? There are so many other things to be concerned about. But for me, this was the deal breaker. I found myself, at the ripe old age of 28, in a Christian community that found me anathema. It didn't matter that my theology was carefully considered, or that I had bathed my positions on many social issues in prayer. It didn't matter that I had taken classes at a Christian college or spent time on my own learning how to do inductive bible study. What mattered to the church, in the end, was that I was not like them. I didn't fit. I was outside the lines and I was simply wrong. Very few people cared to ask me why, or even try to understand where I was coming from. And, as it turned out, it was an impossible place to live.

In the end, it just became too hard to fight against it. I was exhausted from battling the constant wind against me; if I wasn't leaning hard into it, pressing forward, it was beating me from the side, leaving me drained and worn. I just couldn't shield myself anymore. And maybe that's what the good Christians around me were hoping for, that I would cave in and see things from their side. But in truth, I was beaten down into a severe depression and wanted nothing more to do with my abusers; it was too much and I left. And the sorrow of leaving almost broke me. I loved my community and my God. I had visions of being in leadership and raising my family there. I was a true believer.

It took years of talk-therapy, prescription medication, and support from my closest friends to get me to a place where I could recognize that I do still believe in the grace and mercy of Jesus. But I never want to be called a Christian again. I can't bring myself to be associated with the very people who turned their backs on me, told me I was wrong for just being me. And it wasn't until I read this book, about a man who had the same experience because he is gay, that my experience was crystalized for me.

I don't know if this is a typically Midwestern story, or if it has more to do with Christianity as a whole, but it has shaped my life more than anything else. I wished for a long time that I could be the sort of person who sees life as black and white. (I see every shade of gray instead.) I wished for a long time that I could have a simple faith and just be like the rest of the church. (But I am too much of an empath; I see so many sides, and that just raises more questions.) Today, I have stopped wishing, and I have realized that I like who I am. I actually enjoy being me. But I have not been able to experience that same joy in the church. I don't know if I will ever be able to. I certainly don't want to raise my children there because they are free thinkers too, and I cannot in good conscience subject them to the same fate.

Perhaps one day I will see things differently, but I don't expect to. I know I will not subject myself to being part of a faith community that cannot love me as a whole person: gay, straight, rich, poor, male, female, liberal, conservative, creative, analytic, transparent, private, married, single, black or white. I believe God made me the person I am with the strengths I possess. I honor that by freely being me. And I believe that about others too. I expect to find all sorts of people welcomed into my community.

Ironically, the church taught me that I would only find true community and friendship within it's own walls; but you know what? I have found some incredible friends who are not there. And they love me and support me without needing me to hold to a certain doctrine. For that I will be forever grateful. And I will continue to keep forging my own community, because I have no other choice. I need my people, and I need to serve others. So we find one another along the way and support one another as best we can. I still believe that people are mostly good. But I am wary of those professing loudly their faith.

(By the way, I'm sure you have a great church, where you find fulfillment, love and community. Many of my friends do and I am truly happy for them. But please do not invite me to attend yours. I am bone tired of visiting churches only to realize that they will welcome me as long as I change. Perhaps one day I will announce that I am ready to try again. But today is not that day. Thanks.)