A Hard Anniversary

Warning: This post is about pregnancy loss. If you need to pass this one up, I completely understand. I'll catch you the next time.

Seven years ago we lost a baby.

It's best to just be blunt about it. This sort of thing isn't usually talked about or shared much because it's difficult and ugly and raw. But it happens to so many women. You actually know someone who has had a miscarriage (a horrible word) even if they have never told you about it. At least one in four women lose a baby. Think about that for a moment, one in four. That's your mom, your wife and two female friends. It's a very common occurrence. And it's not just a female experience either. When you and your partner enter into a pregnancy together, the partner feels the loss as well. Now that's not to infer that the experience is the same, but the grief, that's universal. Loss is never easy to take.

For us, it happened early in our pregnancy. We were still in the first trimester. We never knew the gender of our child. We would never know the person they were to become. What quickly became true for us, was that we were not going to have a baby that year. I felt so betrayed by my body. How could it do something like this? I felt responsible, that somehow I had done something to cause this loss. I miscarried the baby; even our language suggests I was at fault. I knew that wasn't true, but without an explanation, without answers of some kind (which most of us never get) I needed to find something to blame. But that's what's insidious about the loss of a baby you have never known: there is no reason. There is no answer. There is just loss. And emptiness. And grief.

It comes up at various times for me, as grief is bound to do. Always around my birthday (my due date) and every time I watch Tangled (those lanterns!) It gets easier to deal with as time has passed, but I never fully trust my body anymore. I've had two more kids since our loss, but even that hasn't put to rest my mistrust and doubt. I suppose that's just a side effect for me that will linger.

I wanted to share this story for a couple of reasons. First, it's that time again, the time around which we discovered our child was gone. And it's my reality around this time of year, every year, to be reminded of it. Secondly, I share this because I find myself in a political position that seems contrary to this experience at first blush. I am an ardent supporter of the right for a woman to choose if she will terminate a pregnancy or choose to go full term. As much as I grieve our lost child, I need you to know that I do not take pregnancy or bringing life into the world lightly. It's a daunting and sacred task. And it is fraught with peril. So very many things can happen, not the least of which is losing the life of the mother.

To be clear, I would like there to be fewer and fewer abortions. I don't think it's a good solution for everyone, or even most women. But I also feel strongly that a woman needs to be allowed to choose what is best for herself. Because believe me, she is going to have to live with that decision for a very long time no matter what she decides. And there will be consequences no matter which path she takes. Just like my grief has stayed with me, and just like the angst of raising my kids is ever present, the decisions a woman makes durning pregnancy are far reaching.

I'll share a little more later about the day I saw the red line of abortion clearly, and I knew whether I would be able to cross it if the circumstances were raised. But for today, it's enough to remember this lost love one. For those of you who have experienced such loss, know that when I think of our loss, I send up a prayer for others who are suffering and for those who have suffered. We're in an exclusive club. I know your pain. And I support your need to grieve in whatever way you need to. And for those of you who have never experienced such grief, please realize that someone near you has. Maybe just today, on this anniversary of a lost life, we can be a little kinder to those around us. Believe me, it makes a difference.

Tying Up Some Loose Ends

I'm really great at starting projects and then letting them linger, almost completed. I get to the point where I can see the finished product and then I just loose interest. Especially if the item will not be used for several months. Exactly what happened to this adorable Double Breasted Seed Stitch Jacket.

I got the entire jacket put together and then couldn't find the right buttons. It sat around until I finally got back to it this week. And truthfully, I think this is my most favorite baby item yet. It's functional, adorable and who could resist these fantastic vintage buttons I discovered on Etsy from AddVintage? Seriously, no boy should be without this hoodie. Can't wait to see our little man in it!

Baby Blankie

I never had a baby blankie. My lovie was my teddy bear. But my sister had her blankie, and so did my son. And I just love a soft blankie for baby. I picked up some double sided printed fleece at the big-box store (there is SO much to choose from this time of year!) and some satin blanket binding, and voila! I have a new blankie to spread on the floor at play time for baby Jack.

It was so dog-gone easy, I am almost embarrassed to say I sewed it. So I'll tell you I put it together myself, and leave it at that. I'm certain there will be another. It's just too easy not to have extras!

Birdie Rattles

More baby sewing is afoot, even with the onset of the gift-giving season. I've been swooning over more of the patterns in Sweet Booties, as mentioned here, and decided that I just had to work on the Birdie Rattles next.

For this project I was able to used repurposed fabric (read clothing I can no longer wear for various reasons) and was delighted to find a color palette that seemed boyish. This, is the (very high tech) recycled material that created the interior rattle mechanism:

I have to admit, the sewing was a little more involved than the last couple projects I've done, but in the end, I think it was totally worth it. I even decided to use my snap setter to attach snaps at the ends instead of tying them as the book recommends - I think it'll be easier once I have a babe in one hand and a shopping cart in the other. Time will tell. And who doesn't love birds? I can't wait to try them out!

Bootie Love

A sweet friend and sister loaned me the cutest book for baby sewing: Sweet Booties! And Blankets, Bonnets, Bibs & More. The projects are just irresistible. I decided to tackle these little newborn booties first, using some scraps from a flannel receiving blanket I made for a friend last fall.

It's so wonderful to be using the fabric in my stash for new baby stuff! And these are going to be so fun on a little pair of kicking feet this February.

Recycled T-shirt Newborn Sleepers (2)

Remember this post from February? I'm still in love with these practical little sleepers. I've been on the prowl around here for more fun Ts to recycle. I think we're gonna have the hippest baby on the block (well, maybe the only baby, but let's not dwell on that). Here's what's been done lately:

(Curious George, front)

(and back; from men's large T)

(first sleeper, from a Men's XXL)

(second sleeper from same shirt - had to add arms from a different T; I think it looks like a baseball shirt.)

Little Something Extra

I finished the snaps on the shoulders of the hospital gown this week. I am thrilled with how easily the Kam Snaps pliers work! And since I had a good bit of material left from that project, I decided to make these adorable little pants.

Thanks to Made By Rae's blog, these were a cinch to whip up. These could not have possibly taken me more than 90 minutes to create. I'm sure there will be many more in the future for our little one.

Proof of Pregnancy (4)

It was bound to happen. It did the last time. At least this time I was ready for it. The inevitable swelling of my extremities has taken up residence for what I can only assume will be the remainder of my pregnancy (three months and counting). I've always been prone to swelling, but my body particularly takes issue with pregnancy it seems. My short little fingers feel like overstuffed sausages, and my feet refuse to fit in anything but my Birks (which I love, by the way). And the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is slowly creeping into my wrists. It makes knitting a little less enjoyable.

Happily, (thanks to my amazing yoga instructor) I've found a little something that helps: Coconut Water. It's packed with potassium and eleventy-million other nutrients that seem to keep the swelling at bay. I will admit, it's a bit difficult to choke down on its own. It comes from under-ripe coconuts and it tastes like it. But mixing it with a bit of OJ (ok, a lot of OJ) makes it palatable enough to drink and does wonders for the extremities. I've been able to find it at our local Trader Joe's, but I understand most health food stores carry it as well. We'll see how long it works, but for now, I can knit on (and sew, and bake, and...).

Busy Little Bee

It's been an exhausting week around here, at least for the pregnant lady. On Monday I decided that whatever else happened, I needed to can some applesauce for the coming winter. Upon finding only 6 apples in the 'fridge (have I mentioned how much I am loving apples right now?), I hopped in the truck and headed for the local orchard.

Upon arriving I found not only 3 varieties of apples I had to have, but also a bushel of #2 peaches. These are the ones that drop, get bruised, don't look just right. Well I couldn't just leave them there now, could I? So I picked them up too.

Needless to say, my week has consisted of making applesauce, canning applesauce, making peach puree, turning it into peach butter, and canning said peach butter. Had I had a bit more energy, I might have been able to sweeten the peach butter, but as it is, it's strictly the fruit and some spices; a bit sweet and tart all at the same time. Which actually will be nice for the two people in the house who can't have sugar. The rest of us can always add it in if necessary. And I swear by the crock pot. That makes the entire "butter" experience so much easier.

And I have been extraordinarily tired from the entire experience. I needed a couple of days just to veg in order to catch up with myself. I'm glad to have finally got some canning in though. We'll see just how long those jars of applesauce really last!

Ordinary Miracle

When Hayes was still in utero, we received a lullabye CD as a shower gift. I loved it so much I played it almost every night as I went to sleep. It didn't have that "made just for kids" sound. And I didn't realize what a wonderful thing this was until we brought Hayes home from the hospital. He was fussy that first night but when I laid him down and turned on the CD he calmed right down. That music was like magic the first year of his life.

Needless to say, now that we have another little one to love, I wanted to create a playlist that we could all listed to and be soothed by. And I ran across this Sarah McLachlan song, Ordinary Miracle, that I had almost forgotten. You may have heard it during the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies. I'm so glad I found it again. It could be the pregnancy hormones, or just my sentimental nature, but the song is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. So here it is, just for you.

Proof of Pregnancy (3)

The nesting has commenced. Not only have we started the great migration (shuffling beds and furniture from here to there), but I have become a purging machine. A machine, I tell you. Nothing shall escape me, no matter the amount of dust it kicks up, the sentiment it stirs, the potential it once held. Nothing should feel safe.

I've started purging the boy's room of all manner of flotsam and jetsam. Toys, trash, old books, old homework, parts of science experiments, rumpled up lego blueprints, all of it is out of here (or will be soon). And we've begun purging the "Man Cave" of it's (what we shall lovingly refer to as) shit. ToxDrop, here we come. Trash men, be ready. It all must go. And as if that wasn't enough (and believe me, it is,) I've been purging my studio right along with everything else.

We must find room for all the fabulous stuff I bought at IKEA this week. And buy I did. A loft, a mattress, a recliner, a shelving unit, bedding, toy bins, and a lot of random little goodies. (Apologies to my sister who graciously rode for 2 1/2 hours with her knees under her chin and tried to convince me it was actually quite comfortable. I know. I have the most incredible sister ever.) Once the purge-a-thon is over, we will have to start assembling said furniture. I swear my kid is going to have the coolest room on the block. But until then, I would recommend keeping your valuables behind closed doors.

It's Official (mostly)

You know the old joke, "how can you be kinda pregnant?" I think I have an answer to that. If you miscarried about 3 months ago, and then find out, lo and behold, you're pregnant again, it feels very nebulous. Like you're mostly pregnant; but you certainly don't want to go around saying things like, "We're having a baby!" Well, at least I didn't. Not for a while anyway.

But now I am 11 weeks into it and it looks like everything is exactly like a pregnancy should be. I've been sick and tired and they tell me this is good. (And really, I am glad, because I need a little a lot of reassurance that this is real and happening - every day.) I think I am over the sick part (mostly) but I'm pretty sure I'll be exhausted for the next two years. And I am starting to out-grow my clothes (mostly). And I have started to think (most of the time), at least to myself, that come February, we are having a baby. I've even started knitting for baby. So it must be true. We're having a baby. And mostly, I am really excited about it. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is a lurking little nagging feeling that pops up every now and then reminding me just how precarious and precious all of this really is.

So for now, I tell people that we are expecting. And that, I think, is exactly what we are doing.

Proof of Pregnancy (2)

It’s official, I’ve lost my mind. I can’t remember anything. I misplace things as soon as they leave my sight. I think I’ve done things I haven’t and redo things I’ve already done. I had my loved ones turning the house upside down yesterday for a parking pass I had already put in my bag. It was still there. I’ve been looking for my iPod for 4 days. I found it yesterday in the bag I thought I’d put it in all along. (the same bag – I found the iPod while searching for the parking pass) I can’t tell you how many times I’d looked in there without seeing it.

And then there’s the van. It just stopped running the other day. I thought maybe it was because I hadn’t put oil in it for a while. But then it seemed like maybe the fuel pump was acting up. Then after the shop had seen the van for several days, they called to say the ethanol content of the gas was way off and it has really gummed up the works. Yes. That means I filled up with E-85 the last time. I don’t have an E-85 vehicle. This is a problem.

There is no word yet on when or if the van can be fixed. God help me get through this pregnancy. I’m sure this is how Hayes feels all the time. Poor thing.

Proof of Pregnancy

As many of you know, our family is expecting a new little person round about September. I have been asked many times how I am feeling. And truly I am feeling better than I expected. (I almost hate to admit it, because my Karma is just that sensitive.) I have the occasional wave of nausea, but beyond that and a little sleepiness, I feel like my same old self.

That is, until the woman behind the counter at Archivers (a giant scrapbooking store in town, that holds two crops each weekend) decided she was French and would not, by any means, help me. I give you a copy of an e-mail recently sent to some friends (who I dearly hope to see):

Hello Loves,

I am planning to be at Archivers on Friday, but due to their SEVERE LACK of customer service, I could not register without a credit card (and since my debit card number was stolen and subsequently destroyed, and I only have an AmEx, I don't have said card). NEVER MIND that I have been there 25 times before and never once have I canceled, and no matter how many times I cross my heart and promise to pay, they will NOT put my name in the sacred book. (I could go on, but you get the idea.) So I will just have to take my chances that there will be a seat left for me when I get there. (To which the girl on the phone said, "I'm so sorry." As if there was NOTHING she could do.) And that won't be before 5, as RJH is flying in that day. (Cross your fingers that there are no delays because at that point I may kill someone.) All that to say, I plan to be there on Friday, but the universe may conspire against me. We shall see.... (I may be just a little hormonal.)

Amy H