It Just Wouln't Be Christmas...

...without someone getting sick. This year, it's Richard and Mom. Mom has been hit with larengitis and Richard has a stomach bug. Yuck! Looks like I'll be putting out the tamale dinner tonight :) Keeping my fingers crossed that Hayes and the girls stay healthy.

Calm Before The Storm

I am relaxing in my newly painted studio space. Hayes is happily playing in the bath, Richard is tucked away in the newly dubbed "man cave," Mom and Dad are at a movie, and the Mugele crew is on their way. I am trying to savor this moment.

I love the hubbub of Christmas: the glittering paper and lights, the scurrying last-minute shopping, the baking, the carols, the family gathering and laughing. It's truly marvelous. But it doesn't leave much time for quiet nights by the tree. It seems appropriate that we are having our Christmas Eve service tonight, instead of tomorrow night. I am glad to have the company of my friends and surrogate family to wrap up in before the excitement of the next two days. I rely on their quiet love and protection more than I would care to admit at times. They keep me sane in my rush to enjoy the adventure of my life. What would I do without them? Spin into oblivion, probably.

So I am off to curl up by the tree with my dog and some egg nog before the treck to Carmel. Enjoy your holidays. I know I will be making the most of mine.

Parenting

We've had a crazy up and down couple of weeks with Hayes. He has been fighting, yes, fighting, with some of the other boys in his class. The first time it was due to a practical joke that backfired on Hayes. He has become quite the comedian at school. So we have done a lot of talking about what is and is not ok to joke about and how jokes should never ever leave anyone feeling bad about themselves. I mean really, he's five! So I think we have gone a long way in resolving the fighting; until toady.

A note came home from the teacher, attached to a note Hayes had to write about how he was fighting at school and had to miss learing center time, again! I was ready to pinch his little head off! Once we got to the bottom of things (and it took a good 20 minutes and two versions of the story) we discover the fight is about Hayes not getting his way on the playground and deciding to push and shove until he did. Good God! He has this unbelievable desire to be first and get everything he wants and now. I suppose, later in life, we will admire his passion and drive. Right now, if he hits another kid I think he'll never make it to adulthood.

He had to write notes of apology to his friends and go to bed early with no playtime after dinner last night. And I said the words to him that I vowed I would never say: I am disappointed in you. Ugh. I realize it's the week before Xmas break, but really? Fighting? As the pacifist of the family, I want to weep for his angry little heart. And as his mother, I want to punish the hell out of him so he will never do it again. And as the former teacher, I am torn between volunteering in the classroom every day in order to keep a strict eye on him and never showing my face in the classroom again. Isn't this fun? What really worries me is that I am already pulling out my bag of tricks from teaching, and he is only five. Those kids were 12 and in the alternative programs. God help me.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Last weekend was fabulous! We had a cocktail party to end all parties. This means that we cooked for about three days straight and had 40 of the most delightful people we know to our home to kick off the holidays! It was marvelous. I wouldn't have changed a thing: fabulous food, amazing friendship, lovely and strong cocktails -- possibly heaven on earth.

I did, however, plan a very large Sunday on the heels of a very large Saturday. Our church service was meaningful, and long, which meant that I missed my date at the bark park with a fellow dog owner. This was sad. And Richard and I looked a bit like zombies we were so tired from the party. But to top it all off, we had plans to take Hayes and a friend to ride the Polar Express. An historical train about two hours from us transforms into the Polar Express in December, and we all get to go to the North Pole to meet Santa. Well, in typical Harrison fashion, we missed it. On the bright side, we realized that we had miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get there and called from the road to switch to another train -- two weeks from now. But we were already an hour outside Indy and so we took the kids and my parents to the Cracker Barrel. Fun Times!

Naturally, we have a very full December, and the next train weekend will be back-to-back with the children Museum's Snowflake Soiree, but we at least have passage on the first train, so if something extreme were to happen, we could certainly find room on the second train that same evening! Someone please remind me next year that I don't want to schedule ANYTHING else on the weekend of the cocktail party, ok?

The Reality of Being Me

So I made this bad decision. I wish I hadn't, but in fact I did. I made it so a member of our church could not be present at a meeting. I even did it on purpose, even though my intentions were good. I would imagine most people who make bad decisions say much the same thing. I know my sixth graders did; "But Mrs. Harrison, I did mean to cheat, it's just that she...!" Yeah, that's me. I suppose the culmination of seeing Anne Lamott (a woman who says how it really is), falling madly in love with my dog, reaching some unforeseen limit with a friend, and discussing the status of our church last week finally resulted in some action on my part. Too bad it was ugly.

I feel all mixed up inside. I'm angry and hurt and sad and guilty (what's new?), and at the bottom of it all, I just want things to be easy. Not easier, just flat out easy. I hate the hard work that goes into being involved with the people in my church. I love being friends, true friends, with those people; I just want it to be easy. It's not going to be, not ever. I hate having to eat crow about something I thought was a good idea (and am still not sure was completely wrong). I hate having to be the one in the wrong. I hate feeling manipulated and guilty and trying to be brave when I just really want to have a good cry about it and finally speak the truth about how hard this is and why it's so hard. I want to be able to breathe freely with all the people in my church. I feel like it's too dishonest not to.

We had a good start today. We did speak some truth, but it's not enough if we just stop here, because then it will be personal and our discussion will have been only about me and my poor judgment, and that I don't think I could handle. I am afraid that we will decide that was enough talk and the rest of the struggle will simply fall into the abyss that the rest of our conflict and angst goes. I hope it won't. I hope that we will keep fighting through the hard stuff and do what we can to keep speaking truth. I know I will have to. Oddly, because of today, I have more hope than I previously had that we might be able to keep up this sort of dialog. I hope that we can be honest about our church and where we want it to go. I hope that we can speak more truthfully because we know that we will still love each other, despite our shortcomings, our thoughtless remarks, our poor decisions, etc., etc.

Sometimes I'd rather be anyone than me.

Elation

It frightens me to feel this good. I mean, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life this good doesn't last too long. So I am soaking it in right now.

I signed the paperwork for Jezzy today. She is officially our dog -- my dog. I am the sole owner. I love the way she keeps me doing things that are good for me. She won't let me live too long in my own head. And she forces me to walk - I have no good excuse to sit around. In fact, I feel good, really good about me, when I walk her. How can she be so good for me? I love having a dog. I love having Jezzy as my dog.

I saw Anne Lamott yesterday; she was actually in Indianapolis, of all places! And I didn't just see her, I saw her with the most incredible women I know. Almost all of them were there with me and we all enjoyed our time and laughed at ourselves and shook our heads at the stupidity of our culture and the beauty of living our lives together, in the midst of our messes. It was so good. It fed my soul in a way I haven't experienced in a very long time.

And the Chicago show is simply the next thing on my list. I am not stressed in the way I usually am. I am sure it will happen - it's early yet; but for now I am watching my netflix (Bubble, Rent, On a Clear Day), listening to my NPR podcasts (Speaking of Faith, Story of the Day, NPR Books, Diane Rhem) and listening to my iTunes (mostly the soundtrack to Rent) and trying to stay in the moment. And somehow it's working for me right now. Amazing.

Oddly, the "cherry on top" is that our friends are surprising their children with a quick trip to Disney; and for some reason, it's almost like being there, as happy as it makes me. There is no good way of describing it. But just being able to arrange a visit from Tinker Bell makes it fun for me too.

I am so lucky to have my good health, food on the table every night, such an amazing family, such incredible friends, and the ability to pursue my creativity. It's enough to make a grown woman cry.

You Know You're A Dog Lover When...

Ok, this isn't really one of those lists, but I have certainly awakened the dog person I didn't know was in me. I buy her special treats. I am constantly looking in the pet aisles at the superstores I frequent. I am concerned about her every move: is she nervous, should we get her a heavier coat, does she have fleas? Honestly, it's like having another child! But I just can't help it. I love her. And I love the fact that when I leave, she misses me. I always get the best welcome home. What a good dog!

Election Day

Get out there and vote!