Just Like That

I've written this post a hundred times or more in my head. It's hard to even know how to begin. On Monday we learned that our baby had no heartbeat. It is one of the hardest things I've ever had to hear. I've run the gamut of emotions over the last few days and fully expect to do so some more. But I've been loved and hugged and comforted by my amazing circle of friends and family. I've never been so grateful for them all.

And in the in between times, when I'm not feeling numb or overcome with grief, I am struck at how odd it is to feel so sad by the loss of a life that I never truly knew. Yes, this was my child, but it was only 7 weeks old, I didn't know it's gender, or it's smile, hadn't heard it's cry. And it's more than just the death of a dream, or even a dream deferred. It's a deeply rooted sadness, and an unexpected one. Perhaps unexpected more out of ignorance than anything else. As a sweet friend said, it probably speaks to a deeper mystery about life that we just can't comprehend.

And so it goes. We will plod along, and spring will come, and life will begin to bloom again. I take heart in that. But for now we are quietly awaiting it, trying to look toward the sun through our tears.

Proof of Pregnancy (2)

It’s official, I’ve lost my mind. I can’t remember anything. I misplace things as soon as they leave my sight. I think I’ve done things I haven’t and redo things I’ve already done. I had my loved ones turning the house upside down yesterday for a parking pass I had already put in my bag. It was still there. I’ve been looking for my iPod for 4 days. I found it yesterday in the bag I thought I’d put it in all along. (the same bag – I found the iPod while searching for the parking pass) I can’t tell you how many times I’d looked in there without seeing it.

And then there’s the van. It just stopped running the other day. I thought maybe it was because I hadn’t put oil in it for a while. But then it seemed like maybe the fuel pump was acting up. Then after the shop had seen the van for several days, they called to say the ethanol content of the gas was way off and it has really gummed up the works. Yes. That means I filled up with E-85 the last time. I don’t have an E-85 vehicle. This is a problem.

There is no word yet on when or if the van can be fixed. God help me get through this pregnancy. I’m sure this is how Hayes feels all the time. Poor thing.