The Reality of Being Me

So I made this bad decision. I wish I hadn't, but in fact I did. I made it so a member of our church could not be present at a meeting. I even did it on purpose, even though my intentions were good. I would imagine most people who make bad decisions say much the same thing. I know my sixth graders did; "But Mrs. Harrison, I did mean to cheat, it's just that she...!" Yeah, that's me. I suppose the culmination of seeing Anne Lamott (a woman who says how it really is), falling madly in love with my dog, reaching some unforeseen limit with a friend, and discussing the status of our church last week finally resulted in some action on my part. Too bad it was ugly.

I feel all mixed up inside. I'm angry and hurt and sad and guilty (what's new?), and at the bottom of it all, I just want things to be easy. Not easier, just flat out easy. I hate the hard work that goes into being involved with the people in my church. I love being friends, true friends, with those people; I just want it to be easy. It's not going to be, not ever. I hate having to eat crow about something I thought was a good idea (and am still not sure was completely wrong). I hate having to be the one in the wrong. I hate feeling manipulated and guilty and trying to be brave when I just really want to have a good cry about it and finally speak the truth about how hard this is and why it's so hard. I want to be able to breathe freely with all the people in my church. I feel like it's too dishonest not to.

We had a good start today. We did speak some truth, but it's not enough if we just stop here, because then it will be personal and our discussion will have been only about me and my poor judgment, and that I don't think I could handle. I am afraid that we will decide that was enough talk and the rest of the struggle will simply fall into the abyss that the rest of our conflict and angst goes. I hope it won't. I hope that we will keep fighting through the hard stuff and do what we can to keep speaking truth. I know I will have to. Oddly, because of today, I have more hope than I previously had that we might be able to keep up this sort of dialog. I hope that we can be honest about our church and where we want it to go. I hope that we can speak more truthfully because we know that we will still love each other, despite our shortcomings, our thoughtless remarks, our poor decisions, etc., etc.

Sometimes I'd rather be anyone than me.

Elation

It frightens me to feel this good. I mean, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life this good doesn't last too long. So I am soaking it in right now.

I signed the paperwork for Jezzy today. She is officially our dog -- my dog. I am the sole owner. I love the way she keeps me doing things that are good for me. She won't let me live too long in my own head. And she forces me to walk - I have no good excuse to sit around. In fact, I feel good, really good about me, when I walk her. How can she be so good for me? I love having a dog. I love having Jezzy as my dog.

I saw Anne Lamott yesterday; she was actually in Indianapolis, of all places! And I didn't just see her, I saw her with the most incredible women I know. Almost all of them were there with me and we all enjoyed our time and laughed at ourselves and shook our heads at the stupidity of our culture and the beauty of living our lives together, in the midst of our messes. It was so good. It fed my soul in a way I haven't experienced in a very long time.

And the Chicago show is simply the next thing on my list. I am not stressed in the way I usually am. I am sure it will happen - it's early yet; but for now I am watching my netflix (Bubble, Rent, On a Clear Day), listening to my NPR podcasts (Speaking of Faith, Story of the Day, NPR Books, Diane Rhem) and listening to my iTunes (mostly the soundtrack to Rent) and trying to stay in the moment. And somehow it's working for me right now. Amazing.

Oddly, the "cherry on top" is that our friends are surprising their children with a quick trip to Disney; and for some reason, it's almost like being there, as happy as it makes me. There is no good way of describing it. But just being able to arrange a visit from Tinker Bell makes it fun for me too.

I am so lucky to have my good health, food on the table every night, such an amazing family, such incredible friends, and the ability to pursue my creativity. It's enough to make a grown woman cry.

You Know You're A Dog Lover When...

Ok, this isn't really one of those lists, but I have certainly awakened the dog person I didn't know was in me. I buy her special treats. I am constantly looking in the pet aisles at the superstores I frequent. I am concerned about her every move: is she nervous, should we get her a heavier coat, does she have fleas? Honestly, it's like having another child! But I just can't help it. I love her. And I love the fact that when I leave, she misses me. I always get the best welcome home. What a good dog!

Election Day

Get out there and vote!

We Have A Dog!

Her name is Jezzy; she's a whippet. We have her for a trial period of two weeks, which ends on the 17th of November. I am completely in LOVE with her. She's 6 years old, 18.5 inches tall, 24 lbs., loves to be pampered, and barks for almost no one.

We had been talking over the idea of a puppy with a local breeder, and while that didn't work out (the bitch is only having 3 puppies and the breeder is keeping them all), she mentioned that she had a 6-year-old for adoption to a local home. Imagine how exstatic we were that there was a full-grown, house-trained, former show dog available to us! So we piled into the van and the whole family went to meet her. We were nervous about Hayes's recation, but he was comfortable with her after just a few minutes. He even brushed her -- this was a very good omen. We had a family meeting that night and decided we wanted to bring her home and try her out.

What a great decision that was! She has been so good for the last two days. And she is certainly MY dog. I left her for the day, yesterday, to go to an all day crop, and upon my return she was overjoyed to see me! It was a fantastic welcome home. She's lovely and I can't say enough about her!