I have tried for many years now to participate in the sacrifices of lent. I'm a big believer in practices. Humans need them; I need them.
But this year, I just couldn't come up with anything. I know it sounds lame, but it's the truth. I concidered many things. Can I stop being cynical? I could try I suppose. Could I give up wine? Not with a trip to Sonoma upcoming. Could I give up TV this year? No. And perhaps I am simply unwilling. The circumstances leading up to lent this year were not the sort that gave me the ability to contemplate my sacrifice as I would have liked. Mom had her moment in the hospital, Richard was traveling more than usual, Hayes was having trouble in school and my studio was in constant disarray. Perhaps this is the year I will enjoy the relief of not sacrificing during lent. I know that Easter is supposed to celebrate just such an occasion, but life does not always happen according to the calendar, does it?
I think that this year during lent, every time I look at my mom, who is still here; and my husband, who loves us so deeply; and my son, who never loses his passion for life dispite the constraints school wants to put on that, I will celebrate the sacrifices that have been made but have not broken us. I will remember the reason we celebrate lent and the relief that we have been given. Here's to lent.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Richard Flyby
It happens sometimes; Richard gets assigned back to back trips and we see him for a few hours in between. All told, his travel schedule is far better than it has been in the past, (some of his co-workers travel most of the year) and God knows I love the money it brings in to our family. But I never quite get used to him being gone. And I am glad of that.
He spent half the week in Chicago last week, and left for Germany yesterday. He'll be there until Saturday. It's been a while since he has been gone this long. And I am concerned about how Hayes is going to hold up. We do have the help of Mom and Dad, and of course our circle of friends. This is a good thing. But the pattern remains that on the third day, Hayes has problems at school. You can bet your ass I'll be on the lookout for reports from teachers this week. I am out of ideas, have no more suggestions for how to make it easier for this kid when his daddy is gone. On one hand, I don't want it to be easier - kids need their dads and I am so glad that my son and his father as so tightly bonded. And on the other hand, I wish he didn't have to struggle so much. I'd like to ease his pain just a little.
A friend of mine, in a recent blog post, writes that she has stopped believing that there's an end in sight; just a really long, bumpy road. I am starting to believe this too. Perhaps this is just the way of things for Hayes, for us. He will have to endure this and figure out how to deal and I will be here to comfort him when the frustration reaches its boiling point. Not the solution I was looking for, but perhaps more to the reality of things. How is it that I learn so much from being a parent? And these are not the lessons I would have imagined needing to learn like: baking with your child can be fun, or poop comes in numerous colors, or yelling at your child does not increase his speed (although I have learned these lessons too). Instead, these lessons that I am learning are far deeper and more painful than I ever would have expected. And yet, when Hayes and I have these experiences I love him more fiercely than before. This nebulous role of parenting is nothing if not unexpected.
He spent half the week in Chicago last week, and left for Germany yesterday. He'll be there until Saturday. It's been a while since he has been gone this long. And I am concerned about how Hayes is going to hold up. We do have the help of Mom and Dad, and of course our circle of friends. This is a good thing. But the pattern remains that on the third day, Hayes has problems at school. You can bet your ass I'll be on the lookout for reports from teachers this week. I am out of ideas, have no more suggestions for how to make it easier for this kid when his daddy is gone. On one hand, I don't want it to be easier - kids need their dads and I am so glad that my son and his father as so tightly bonded. And on the other hand, I wish he didn't have to struggle so much. I'd like to ease his pain just a little.
A friend of mine, in a recent blog post, writes that she has stopped believing that there's an end in sight; just a really long, bumpy road. I am starting to believe this too. Perhaps this is just the way of things for Hayes, for us. He will have to endure this and figure out how to deal and I will be here to comfort him when the frustration reaches its boiling point. Not the solution I was looking for, but perhaps more to the reality of things. How is it that I learn so much from being a parent? And these are not the lessons I would have imagined needing to learn like: baking with your child can be fun, or poop comes in numerous colors, or yelling at your child does not increase his speed (although I have learned these lessons too). Instead, these lessons that I am learning are far deeper and more painful than I ever would have expected. And yet, when Hayes and I have these experiences I love him more fiercely than before. This nebulous role of parenting is nothing if not unexpected.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Snow Day
Yesterday it was just too cold and slippery to head out to school. So, although Sycamore thought it neccessary to blaze a trail in educating our youth, Hayes and I stayed home. It was a really good day. Hayes watched his two favorite television shows: Diego and Dora. Then we had lunch with Mimi, built a fort (a secret hide out) with two chairs and some blankets and did our puzzle books for what must have been 2 hours. Hayes then decorated some valentines for school and finally played some computer games before bed. And all in his pajamas! He loves to spend the day in his jammies. So do I. It's good to be a kid.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
When It Rains...
Update on Hayes:
We are working with him on a behavior chart at home. For the moment it is working. He earned a half-hour extra before bed last week. He is trying to earn a video game with Daddy this week. Magic Bullet? We'll see...
Update on the weather:
We are expecting up to 6 inches of snow today. We are off to a good start. I think we may have about .5 inches in the last hour already. I may need to head over to school early today to pick up the boy.
Update on my Studio:
11 business days and counting...still no counters. I hate waiting.
Update on Mom:
It was a rough couple of days this week with Mom. For those who don't know, she is a Type I diabetic; has been for 34 years. For the last 7 or 8 she has worn a pump. It's been a such a blessing for her for so long. Until Thursday. Her pump just decided to turn off while she was at lunch with my Grandmother. They were able to replace the battery and when she got home she and Richard reset the baseline settings. When she went to bed everything seemed to be functioning normally. When my dad went to bed at 2:30 a.m. he thought she was snoring. Upon further review he discovered that she was seizing, foaming at the mouth, extremely cold and rigid. He woke me up and we decided that we had to call 911. There was just no way to get any sugar into her at that moment.
While I was on the phone with 911, I passed out - twice. Really. I mean, how helpful can a girl be to her father? Now he has 2 unconscious women instead of just one! In case you are wondering, they call you back. I revived and the paramedics got to us. When they tested her blood sugar they found it to be 10. This is far, far too low. They were able to get a vial of glucose into her via IV. It only raised her to 20.
To make a very long story short, they were able to get to the hospital and she has come through it marvelously. She even came home Friday night; we thought she might have to stay for further observation. She is not using the pump right now, instead she uses the shots. She is much more comfortable with this and I can't say that I blame her. She still has moments when she relives the fear of it - I can't imagine what she must feel. So Friday she and Richard will see her Diabetic nurse and hopefully he can shed some light on what happened. It seems as though the pump is actually working the way it should. We had sort of hoped that was the problem and we would know how to go about the next step. So we are back to waiting again. Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting?
Bright spot:
The Indianapolis Colts are the NFL Champions!
We are working with him on a behavior chart at home. For the moment it is working. He earned a half-hour extra before bed last week. He is trying to earn a video game with Daddy this week. Magic Bullet? We'll see...
Update on the weather:
We are expecting up to 6 inches of snow today. We are off to a good start. I think we may have about .5 inches in the last hour already. I may need to head over to school early today to pick up the boy.
Update on my Studio:
11 business days and counting...still no counters. I hate waiting.
Update on Mom:
It was a rough couple of days this week with Mom. For those who don't know, she is a Type I diabetic; has been for 34 years. For the last 7 or 8 she has worn a pump. It's been a such a blessing for her for so long. Until Thursday. Her pump just decided to turn off while she was at lunch with my Grandmother. They were able to replace the battery and when she got home she and Richard reset the baseline settings. When she went to bed everything seemed to be functioning normally. When my dad went to bed at 2:30 a.m. he thought she was snoring. Upon further review he discovered that she was seizing, foaming at the mouth, extremely cold and rigid. He woke me up and we decided that we had to call 911. There was just no way to get any sugar into her at that moment.
While I was on the phone with 911, I passed out - twice. Really. I mean, how helpful can a girl be to her father? Now he has 2 unconscious women instead of just one! In case you are wondering, they call you back. I revived and the paramedics got to us. When they tested her blood sugar they found it to be 10. This is far, far too low. They were able to get a vial of glucose into her via IV. It only raised her to 20.
To make a very long story short, they were able to get to the hospital and she has come through it marvelously. She even came home Friday night; we thought she might have to stay for further observation. She is not using the pump right now, instead she uses the shots. She is much more comfortable with this and I can't say that I blame her. She still has moments when she relives the fear of it - I can't imagine what she must feel. So Friday she and Richard will see her Diabetic nurse and hopefully he can shed some light on what happened. It seems as though the pump is actually working the way it should. We had sort of hoped that was the problem and we would know how to go about the next step. So we are back to waiting again. Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting?
Bright spot:
The Indianapolis Colts are the NFL Champions!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Still Waiting
These are the latest images of my updated studio. I am still waiting for the countertops to be completed and installed. I hate waiting.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Narrowing the field
Many of you know that Hayes has been having some trouble adjusting to Richard's more frequent travel and most of his angst is coming out at school. It's been a challenge to finally pinpoint the problem, but it seems that Hayes is consistently acting out at school on the third day of Richard's travel.
Finally having figured this out feels good, like we can work toward a solution. But it is proving more difficult than it seems. We keep trying new ideas and they keep failing. For instance, when Richard was in Germany last, we decided to do some "armchair traveling" with dad. We made German food, set a clock to German time, watched a Rick Steves video about Germany, and Hayes had a royal meltdown. We should have seen it coming a mile away, but we just kept hoping that this would make him feel more connected to his dad while he was away. We were wrong. We've tried giving him the resource of the teacher when he is having conflict with other kids. It only goes so far. We've tried rewards for good notes from the teacher on the third day. It's hit or miss. I've even tried going in to volunteer on that third day. It made things worse (just like the "armchair traveling"). We've thought about Richard reading a bedtime story over the webcam, but I think the result would be similar. Papa has agreed to put Hayes to bed on the nights he can, when Richard is traveling. We shall see if it helps. I have my doubts.
So the field of ideas is rapidly narrowing and I am starting to believe that this just may be the way of the world for Hayes, at least for the foreseeable future. I mean, I can't make everything better for him, can I? It's one of the most frustrating things about parenting, not being able to orchestrate the world to keep my child from pain and hardship. I realize this is what creates character and I understand that dealing with it in our family is probably the best and safest way for him to deal with it. But it is painful. I am way beyond worrying what the other parents will think. I just don't care. Let them judge if they choose to. I simply want to find a way to help Hayes feel safe when his dad is away.
It has been suggested to me that Richard gives Hayes some measure of emotional security. When he is not home, it is only a matter of time before Hayes's sense of security is missing. I think this is exactly what happens to him. And there is a part of that scenario that makes me feel a little inadequate as a mom. Not a large part, but just a bit, like poking a bruise to see if it's still there. It is. And as much as I want Hayes to be able to talk about what it is that is bothering him, I realize that it is asking too much. For crying out loud, I can't even articulate my own feelings most of the time. How could a five-year-old figure that out?
So we are still trying, but running out of ideas. All thoughts and experiences are welcomed at this point. At least having something to try beats just waiting for the inevitable.
Finally having figured this out feels good, like we can work toward a solution. But it is proving more difficult than it seems. We keep trying new ideas and they keep failing. For instance, when Richard was in Germany last, we decided to do some "armchair traveling" with dad. We made German food, set a clock to German time, watched a Rick Steves video about Germany, and Hayes had a royal meltdown. We should have seen it coming a mile away, but we just kept hoping that this would make him feel more connected to his dad while he was away. We were wrong. We've tried giving him the resource of the teacher when he is having conflict with other kids. It only goes so far. We've tried rewards for good notes from the teacher on the third day. It's hit or miss. I've even tried going in to volunteer on that third day. It made things worse (just like the "armchair traveling"). We've thought about Richard reading a bedtime story over the webcam, but I think the result would be similar. Papa has agreed to put Hayes to bed on the nights he can, when Richard is traveling. We shall see if it helps. I have my doubts.
So the field of ideas is rapidly narrowing and I am starting to believe that this just may be the way of the world for Hayes, at least for the foreseeable future. I mean, I can't make everything better for him, can I? It's one of the most frustrating things about parenting, not being able to orchestrate the world to keep my child from pain and hardship. I realize this is what creates character and I understand that dealing with it in our family is probably the best and safest way for him to deal with it. But it is painful. I am way beyond worrying what the other parents will think. I just don't care. Let them judge if they choose to. I simply want to find a way to help Hayes feel safe when his dad is away.
It has been suggested to me that Richard gives Hayes some measure of emotional security. When he is not home, it is only a matter of time before Hayes's sense of security is missing. I think this is exactly what happens to him. And there is a part of that scenario that makes me feel a little inadequate as a mom. Not a large part, but just a bit, like poking a bruise to see if it's still there. It is. And as much as I want Hayes to be able to talk about what it is that is bothering him, I realize that it is asking too much. For crying out loud, I can't even articulate my own feelings most of the time. How could a five-year-old figure that out?
So we are still trying, but running out of ideas. All thoughts and experiences are welcomed at this point. At least having something to try beats just waiting for the inevitable.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Remodeling
I've been up to my ears in cardboard boxes and faux wood the last two weeks. I am remodeling to playroom and creating a studio for myself. It's a real live, artist space and I will have a small opening party when it is finally over. I thought I would be able to order my countertops by today, but I came down with a viscous cold and only today am back on my feet with drill in hand. Here are a few pictures of the recent changes. I am so ready for this to be workable!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
It Just Wouln't Be Christmas...
...without someone getting sick. This year, it's Richard and Mom. Mom has been hit with larengitis and Richard has a stomach bug. Yuck! Looks like I'll be putting out the tamale dinner tonight :) Keeping my fingers crossed that Hayes and the girls stay healthy.
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