Sunday, May 16, 2010

Struggling

I've been back and forth on writing this post. It's very personal, but I am often miffed that more women are not honest about life, especially life as a woman. It's not easy to admit that you like being single, or that you don't like motherhood, or that your relationship with your mother (or child) is harder than you ever thought possible, or that your marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. Somehow we expect perfection in our womanly roles, and it's become taboo to speak ill of certain sacred cows. I don't want to be one of those women who keeps quiet about the hard stuff, perpetuating the myth that life as a woman is all light and roses.

It's been hard for me since the miscarriage. I can say it's gotten better; much, much better. But it's not fine yet. Perhaps the worst part is that I feel like my body has betrayed me. And I can't stand to look at it. It looks ugly to me, that sort of avert-your-eyes ugliness that is embarrassing to both the ugly and the beautiful. My body is way out of shape, heavier than is healthy; I don't want pictures of me (which has never happened before), I don't like anything I wear, and despite trying to put on a happy face and ignore it, I can't seem to change the way I feel.

So I've decided that I am going to walk. I'm going to walk until my body is healthy again. Until I fit in my regular-body-weight clothes and until I can look myself in the eyes and believe that I am whole and beautiful. And if I happen to get pregnant while all of this is taking place (god I hope I do), all the better. But even if I never get pregnant, or stay pregnant, I want to be able to like my physical self again. This is something I can control, and it has to change. It just has to.

4 comments:

Sabrina said...

Thanks for posting Amy. That was courageous. I have known form day one you had a courageous spirit! I didn't know about the miscarriage. Until my daughter in law had one I had no idea how common they were. A friend (closer to being your age peer, maybe a bit past you) also recently had one. My point in sharing is that apparently what you are experiencing is not at all uncommon following a miscarriage. I would encourage you to continue the walking, but also to talk with you ob gyn. He/She may be able to provide some other possible solutions to aid in the healing process. I am sending a virtual hug. I hope you can feel the love!

Jody Sparks said...

I'll be there soon. Maybe we can walk and talk off the body-image demon together once a week or so. It sucks to struggle! I love you.

Monica said...

Amy, this is an ongoing struggle for me. When I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself I don't recognize the person I see there. It's not who I picture myself to be in my minds eye. So I avoid those things as much as possible. I'm currently doing Weight Watchers and have set a goal of getting healthy by 40. It may take that long, but I'm not ready to give up on myself. So much more life to live.
I'll be praying for you as you grieve through the loss of your child and asking God to heal you from the inside out.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry I have been absent from the blog-0-sphere. I missed this post until today. My dear you are lovely in every possible way. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I admire your courage to face such struggles head on and work through them. You share so much of yourself with everyone; and in doing so you help so many of us work through our own personal struggles. This post was an inspiration and very encouraging to me. Today I read this, the very day that I had made a commitment to myself to eat right again and exercise so that I can once again look in the mirror with confidence, shop for clothes without embarrassment and feel healthy again. Thank you Amy for being so transparent and so willing to share your inmost feelings with us. You have helped me in so many ways! Praying you are still walking and feeling good about yourself again. love you!