It's been hard for me since the miscarriage. I can say it's gotten better; much, much better. But it's not fine yet. Perhaps the worst part is that I feel like my body has betrayed me. And I can't stand to look at it. It looks ugly to me, that sort of avert-your-eyes ugliness that is embarrassing to both the ugly and the beautiful. My body is way out of shape, heavier than is healthy; I don't want pictures of me (which has never happened before), I don't like anything I wear, and despite trying to put on a happy face and ignore it, I can't seem to change the way I feel.
So I've decided that I am going to walk. I'm going to walk until my body is healthy again. Until I fit in my regular-body-weight clothes and until I can look myself in the eyes and believe that I am whole and beautiful. And if I happen to get pregnant while all of this is taking place (god I hope I do), all the better. But even if I never get pregnant, or stay pregnant, I want to be able to like my physical self again. This is something I can control, and it has to change. It just has to.